Best Known For Giving up
Written By Bexster

I sat on my window ledge, watching the outside world, watching the people carry on as normal… Not feeling any pain. While I Listened to the rain patter on the roof, I placed my hand on the window then felt a Shiver run down my spine, the urge to cut was great,
to run the cool blade over my fragile body grew stronger…
The urge to press down and feel the rush of relief…to see the blood drip to the floor was almost unbearable.
The Temptation was too much; I sloped cross my room to my bed, and fell to my knees, I pulled the crap from under my bed, until I found my box of ‘tricks’ which I made in yr 9, D.T. and had kept my ‘naughty’ things in ever since (Razors blades, Pills, dirty books, letters, porn and pictures) .
My most useful blade was upon a picture of my first ‘love’ “Delos”
I touched it and it brought back a vivid memory of the last time I had seen him…

“Rebby? Rebby?” He Voice sounded harsh, yet smooth, … I could just about imagine the curves of his soft mouth as he spoke, and “Are You in here he banged against my door yet it wouldn’t budge ”Beautiful, Let me in what are you doing What’s in front of the door? -” I cut him off “try now” I mumbled I couldn’t ignore him any longer…his voice started to feel as if it was getting further away.
I shuffled away from the door, with the little bit of strength I had left.
He slowly pushed open the door and groaned, “Oh…Oh SHIT…Reb. What The Fuck have You Done? You Silly Bitch!!!” His life seem to drain from his face as he spoke, I looked up at him… I wanted to say sorry but I couldn’t talk, I didn’t have it in me… I just staired into his eyes, my heart sank they weren’t the usual bright blue; they seem to have…well iced over?
I looked down at my arms, my blood, my crimson blood was EVERYWHERE… I watched as more flowed from my arms and dripped to the floor… my eyes blurred “ I think, I think I took one to many pills,” I whisper with a sly smile.
Delos looked…scared “YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY! How…how… could you do this to you’re self… To Me? To us?” he’s powerful body seem to be limp,” don’t move… I’m gona get something to stop the bleeding,”
He was back within what seemed a few seconds, he knelt down, and kissed the deep slashes… I moaned, it was painful yet, just feeling his touch made me feel safe, loved, and horny. He placed a few towels over my wounds and wrapped them tight.
“Delos… D… Make Love To me… Fuck Me like an animal… make me better.” I begged him…half conscious. He looked at me like I was mad, but he saw I wasn’t joking, I wanted him then and there, no matter what I had just done.
“Are you sure? I mean you’re arms babe?” he was trying to act calm, but the bulge in his jeans told me different.
“Do I look like I’m not sure, I want you now and I want you hard” I crocked, he lifted me up off the floor swiftly, ”hard eh?” he breath started to get heavier, he kissed my neck, n slowly pulled up my top, making sure he didn’t hurt my arms, he looked down at me then to my arms… the blood was seeping through the towels…” maybe this is abad idea” hes voice sounded full of regret.
I grinded up to his leg, and unzipped his jeans, ah as always no boxers I took his thick cock into my hand “somehow I don’t think it is…and I know you want it too” …
We’d made ‘love’ for a couple of hours, different poisons, different paces, until we couldn’t go on any more, then I realised noone had come home…it was nearly 9pm and I was so worn out all I wanted to do was lay in Delos arms.
He looked down at me, I was always wondered what he thinking when he did this.
He looked up all of a sudden then said “Rebby you’re bleeding again,” That’s when I started to feel faint, He Started to whisper“Rebby I love you, you know that? But I’m gona have to leave you now.” And that’s when I passed out, that’s the last I saw of Delos, I woke up in hospital 4 days later with a single rose on my bed side table, with a note saying “beautiful” Mum said she didn’t know who it was from, but when I saw it, I knew that’d be the last I’d ever hear from him.

It made me feel worse to think about that day…it was only 8 months ago but it felt like a lifetime…
I staried at the blade…I couldn’t put mum through that again.
Tears streamd down my face, I couldn’t get Delos out of my head, the way I had let myself trust him, the way I had given myself to him, the way he just left me, left me to die for all he knew…
I threw the blade at the wall and screamed “ FUCK YOU!” at the top of my lungs I thought I’d put him to the back of my mind, I thought he couldn’t hornet me anymore, but obuvlsy I was wrong as always.

I brushed back my hair with my hands and put it up, shoved one of dads old motor head shirts on, randomly gaped some girl boxers and jeans from the pile on my floor pulled them up, then finally on with my trusted cons.
I picked up my mobile and Zen, from my desk trying not to step on any of the shit laying around on my floor… I couldn’t stay in the house any longer … or I might have ended up doing something stupid.
Once I walked out the house I put on my Zen …and just my luck Sugar Cult - Pretty Girl:
‘its the way that he makes you cry
its the way that he's in your mind
its the way that he makes you fall in love
Its the way that he makes you feel
its the way that he kisses you
its the way that he makes you fall in love, love’
Was the first song that came on.

So I waked threw the rain, head down, and eyeliner tears looking very anti social, time for my fake id I thought! MongBeer Bar here I come! Only a 2-mile walk… Tuesday too… live bands all night.

About half hour later, I was there; I caught a glimpse of myself in the window… my face was as white as a chavs trainer…yet covered in eyeliner from where I had been crying. My hair all over the place, aw fuck it I thought, shit happens, not like im on the pull is it? Muhaha moshing time!?! I showed my id too Benji, who knew well I wasn’t 18, but knew how much I loved my music, so he knew there was no point stopping me because I’d get in somehow…”look like you could do with a drink Rebz” he said as I walked passed him, I flashed a smile agreeing with him.
Quick Vodka or two then off to see what bands are playing I thought to myself …
When I got to the bar, I could hear the band that was up. Was well… lets say… un-easy on the ears but they were ending their set, or at least I hoped they were.

By the time I’d finished slamming my vodka’s the next band was up, I pushed threw the crowd and started to mosh, I mean they were doing a cover of failures not flattering how could I not join in?? After a few cover versions and a couple of their own songs their set had finished, so I went back over to the bar and ordered a pint of stellar. I was just about to take a seat a quietly watch the other bands when saw the guitarist on of band that was up, ordered something, so I walked straight up to him and threw my pint of stellar over his head and screamed “ THAT WAS THE BEST FUCKING VERSON OF FAILURES NOT FLATTERING IVE EVER HEARD!” he looked rather stunned but then smiled and mumbled “uh. Erm thanks?”… “Ah no pobs, I’m Rebby, you’re new number one fan hehe” I stuck my hand out, he took it and shook it…”eh, I’m Jackson-” “ah kool, well hello Jackson, considering I just poured my drink over you… fancy buying me another?”

A few hours of drinking and talking, I glanced at my mob, 12 missed calls “Shit” I mumbled “bla, It’s been nice talking to you Jackson, but I think it was time I was off” I slurred then swayed, he caught me just before I fell of the stall, “Woah careful there, how you getting home anyway?” I felt dizzy, “walking, s’not like I can drive is it? Not old enough for one… and well… ha I’m pissed outa my head” I giggled. Jackson Frowned “on you’re own?” I nodded “sooooo You’re telling me, you, a pretty young maybe even slightly crazy lady, are planning to walk home at 2am, very VERY drunk and think you’re gona make it?” I smiled and tried to wink… but as always when i'm drunk probably turn out to be something very unattractive “ooo are you offering to walk me home… it is about 2miles or so though. -” He cut me off and took my hand “not quite” he smiled “I’ll give you a lift”

My head was pounding, ‘what the fuck did I drink last night’ I thought to myself, I groaned as I rolled over and rubbed my eyes, I sniffed my pillow…what the hell…it smells of lynx I stretched, “fuck this isn’t my bed” I said out loud “it’s…double!”
I pulled myself up, and looked around the room… I placed my hand on my thigh oh god. I was naked I jumped out of the bed, where the hell are my clothes I thought. How…how did I get here, maybe I was kidnapped?
There was a knock on the door “Reb, are you up? Can I come in” I froze, I didn’t recognise the voice, it was deep so I guessed it was a guys but whose…? “Erm… hold on…” my eyes were tearful “ I washed your clothes, well mum did, anyways, I’ll leave them outside the door, I left a spare toothbrush in the bathroom too, if you need me I’ll l be down stairs” I listen to the foots steps fade away...

20 minutes later, I was washed and dressed it this strangers house, I had no memory what I had done last night apart from being at the MongBeer Bar. Then it struck me I had a chance to snoop before I had to face this person or so I thought,
“Rebby, Cup of tea on the table for ya” I jumped

“Er.I’m coming” time to find out, who I spent the night with, while I walked slowly down the stairs I started to hyperventilate.

I poked my head around the first door I came too, a rush of relief run over my body “Jackson” I whispered
“tea’s on the table painkillers too…thought you might need them after last night” he smiled and nodded towards his kitchen table “don’t worry, mums at work”
“thanks” I whispered again.
I couldn’t hold it in any longer; I had to ask I felt so dirty “why…why was I naked this morning? Did we have sex?” I was so embarrassed, for him as well as myself how horrible of me if I didn’t remember something like that, it’d ruin any ones ego and myself well because had I just lost my virginity to some random bloke I met in a bar… was I really that easy? Well okay maybe not my virginity, but as far as I’m concerned Delos never happened, to me he never existed.
He look stunned, like I had just slapped him in the face “do you really not remember? Was I that bad?” he pulled a chair from under the table and sat down “sit” he said hoarsely.
I did what he said, our eyes were locked, “so. We did?” I felt sick; his laugh was deep just like his voice. “Course we bloody well didn’t” I was so confused.
“Would you like me to explain?” A huge grin sprang across his face.
I nodded
“I was going to take ya’ home, but once you were in my car, you passed out and of course I aint got a fucking clue where you live. So I thought, it’d be best to bring you here. I mean I didn‘t see the harm, not like you were in any state to attack me or my family.”
I sighed, “that doesn’t explain why I was naked?”
He staired into his cup of tea
“hmm…this is what will embarrass you, as soon as I got you through the front door, you were throwing up non stop, so I woke mum so she could undress you, wash your clothes and keep an eye on you, to make sure you didn’t choke while I cleaned up”
I put my head in my hands, “Argh, did I break anything? I’ll pay??…Where’s my phone?”
He got up, “you’re mum was ringing it all night, mum spoke to her, told her everything and I said I’d drop you home once you got up”

45 minutes later, mum was thanking Jackson for being so kind, and screaming at me for being so stupid.
Two weeks past and all I had done the same thing each day,
Woke up at around 6am laid in bed till 11, got up had a wash and a shower.
Went down stairs to have lunch, then returned to my room sat on my window ledge thinking about the past until dark then I popped a few sleeping pills and laid on my bed until I fell asleep.
But of course the 25^th of December was different
Christmas Day, A day to be happy?

Mum Knocked on my door, I had heard her potter around down stairs so I knew it wouldn’t be long until she came to make sure I was in my room, I checked the time, 7am.
”Come in” I murmured
Her eyes looked red, crying again I thought.
”Merry Xmas Darling, this time last year, you and kal-“ I shot a dirty look at her, I couldn’t stand to hear his name, she came and sat on the end of my bed and carried on “you’d have been in my room at 5 in the morning, begging to open them” she nodded towards the pile on the floor. My heart sank “i..I hadn’t noticed them…sorry” she patted my leg, got up and said “well I’m going to go have a quick shower, wouldn’t mind a cupper ina bit”, she shut the door as she left.
I closed my eyes, fell backwards and took a deep breath “okay”

This time last year I thought.
We were a normal family; I had a mother, a father, an older sister called Summer and a younger brother called Kalvin.
I tugged off my covers, fell out of bed crawled over to my desk next to the pile of presents I opened the first one, the one that was closest to me.
I slowly unwrapped it, I looked, it didn’t register at first, I looked again it was a picture of Kalvin and me just before he had died; we both looked so happy, so relaxed. Our eyes both looked glazed over, must have been stoned I thought, forgetting about dad and his whore. Kalvins dark brown hair seems to have been blowing in his face almost covering his summer green eyes. He had the most handsome face looking like a young man at the age of 14. I never minded winding him up about it either. I felt the tears run down my cheeks and held the picture close to my heart. I jumped as my phone went off, I had a text. I didn’t look at it for a while; I stayed in my own little world. Once I did read it, I wasn’t quite sure who it was from
’Hey Reb, Hw r u? fought Id txt u merry xmas hope u ave a gd 1, cya @ BeerMong Bars Christmas Party hopefully Jxxx’
Then of course it hit me, it must have been Jackson, he must have got my number that night I made a fool of myself…